Overcoming the Heartbreak of a DNF
This year, I set out to do something hard, attempting to run my first 100 miler. I had run and finished all the other major ultra distances (50K, 50 mile and 100K), and it was time to make the jump. After all, this is what I DREAMED about when I finished my first road half-marathon in 2019 and set my sights on ultras.
I didn’t make my first one any easier – targeting the Leadville 100, a grueling 100 miles with nearly 15,000ft of climbing and descent, all above 9,000ft of elevation.
Still, I knew I had what it took to achieve sweet victory, a finish in the Race Across the Sky.
But the day didn’t go my way
Despite a strong start, hitting my target times through the 12 mile aid station and 23 mile aid station, there were signs of trouble. The elevation really hit my heart rate more than I expected, even though I took plenty of precaution and gave lots of time to acclimate (about 2 weeks). Coming into the 23 mile aid, I started to feel a bit of hip tightness. I still kept pushing, hoping my body was settling into the day.
Unfortunately, as I got a few miles past, that pain that was in my hip, worked it’s way into my knee. Quickly, I went from running, to run/walk mix, grinding all the way to pure power hiking. Descents were excruciating. And I was only 30 miles in with the toughest part of the race – a 25-mile, 8,000ft ascent/descent – still ahead.
I resolved to get as far as I could. Races sometimes go this way, and things clear themselves up over time. But each downhill step reminded me of the pain I was in. All-in-all, I went up the climb that is Hope Pass, and went down the other side (gingerly, painfully), and made it to the 50-mile mark, missing the cutoff by 15 minutes.
I had DNF’d the race (Did not Finish).
From Did not Finish to Did not Fail
Look up ultra races on various registration websites, and you’ll see – finishing is NOT a guarantee in this sport. Regardless of if you’re an elite runner, a mid-packer, or a cutoff chaser. It’s a matter of time before the Grim Reaper of Racing catches you.
I had to feel those feelings for myself, though. Despite plenty of adversity in my races, I was able to overcome and finish. When I didn’t, it made me feel like there was something wrong with me. I had to work through a process to bring myself back to realization that this is all part of the game.
Here’s some of the steps I took to move from “failure” to “progress.”
- Practice gratitude – this was something I was doing the entire race, even when things started to sour. I took that to my crew when I reconnected after the race, and to friends and family who asked about the race after.
- Be open, but don’t dwell – people asked how it went. I told them. I didn’t hide in shame. I shared my experience, strength and hope. I didn’t focus on the negatives, though I was open to what happened and what went wrong.
- Reflect on the issues – I looked at what went wrong. Training gaps, race-day mistakes, taper week flaws, nutrition issues. I looked at it all. I realized there were things I could have been doing differently, not in self-flagellation, but in objective ownership.
- Get back at it but don’t rush – The first focus was fixing my knee. Then it was giving my mind something to work back towards. I signed up for another race (50K), that gave me 10 weeks to recover and rebuild.
- Give yourself grace – ultrarunning is hard, and we are fortunate that we even get to do this at all. And with that, this is all a learning process.
There is no failure, because there is no finish
Ultra-running is much like life. There are highs, there are lows, and despite it all, everything keeps moving forward. Finishing a race doesn’t mean that you’ve reached the pinnacle and are done, nor does a DNF mean you have hit rock-bottom and are down for the count.
Treat each race as its own life-lesson. A tool to learn about yourself – what makes you tick, how you handle adversity, how you treat yourself and others, how you view the world. When you do that, you win EVERY race you’re a part of, because you continue on with the progress of becoming who you are meant to be.
Ryan is a coach with Team RunRun. To learn more about him or to work with him, check out his coach profile.